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How did the hipster burn his tongue? | He drank coffee before it was cool. | Continue a dad joke: |
What is a pirate’s favorite movie? | Starrrrrgh Wars | Continue a dad joke: |
What do you call a superhero who gets dumped | The X-man | Continue a dad joke: |
They say 97% of people are bad at math. | Thankfully I’m in the other 5%. | Continue a dad joke: |
I don't often tell dad jokes | But when I do he laughs | Continue a dad joke: |
Did you hear about the magic tractor? | It went down the road and turned into a field | Continue a dad joke: |
I pooped in an elevator yesterday | Took that shit to another level | Continue a dad joke: |
With the New Year, I been meaning to get back into shape by doing lunges | That’s a small step forward | Continue a dad joke: |
what did the cow said to the other cow on new year eve | happy moo year! | Continue a dad joke: |
Poop jokes aren't my favourite | But they are a solid number 2 | Continue a dad joke: |
I’ve been cleaning robes for the church singing group | ...but that’s just bleaching for the choir | Continue a dad joke: |
If the people using computers play Minecraft… | Then the people making computers (AI) are playing Mind Craft | Continue a dad joke: |
What do you call a broken can opener | A can't opener. | Continue a dad joke: |
Where did Russian royalty get their coffee from? | TsarBucks of course! | Continue a dad joke: |
What is Cristiano Ronaldos favourite food? | SUIIIIIIISHI! | Continue a dad joke: |
What do you call a lonely bull | Beef strokin' off | Continue a dad joke: |
I got arrested for an illegal firearm in my vehicle the other day | I thought having a car Berretta was a requirement in a vehicle. | Continue a dad joke: |
I hate archaeologists | They act like they always have a bone to pick | Continue a dad joke: |
A construction workers wife comes to pick him up He’s finishing up a project on the roof while she pulls into the work place to pick him up. | Realizing he needs a hammer, he motions down at her *points to eye, points to knee, makes hammer gesture* to communicate that she should pick up the hammer lying on his knee. | Continue a dad joke: |
Yesterday was | my best day of the year, so far. | Continue a dad joke: |
What do you say to a French parrot? | Parlez wanna cracker? | Continue a dad joke: |
I told my doctor I keep hearing a buzzing in my ears | He said, yeah there’s a bug going around. | Continue a dad joke: |
What do you call advice from a cow? | Beef tips. | Continue a dad joke: |
What is a pirate’s favorite letter? | While many believe that a pirate’s favorite letter is ”R”, His first love be the “C” | Continue a dad joke: |
My son said his life is a joke | I told him no it's not, jokes have a meaning | Continue a dad joke: |
What will Impractical Jokers be called now that Joe left | Impractical kers | Continue a dad joke: |
Why don't melons get married? | They cantaloupe | Continue a dad joke: |
I'm thinking of crossing a cocker spaniel with a poodle | I'll call it a cockerdoodle and pick up its cockerdoodle poo poo | Continue a dad joke: |
Anytime I have a microwave meal, I always turn on “The Golden Eye.” | Pierce Film before cooking. | Continue a dad joke: |
My windshield was covered in ice this morning and I didn't have a proper scraper to remove it so I used my store discount card. | But I only got 20% off. | Continue a dad joke: |
While living abroad I decided to write a book | It’s called *Great Expat-ations* | Continue a dad joke: |
Yesterday, my friend came home and asked if there is something to eat | There is some pizza left, but it is from last year | Continue a dad joke: |
What do they call it when you take someone else’s iron without permission? | Steeling | Continue a dad joke: |
Paninis are sad. | They're depressed sandwiches. | Continue a dad joke: |
My wife is getting fed up with my jokes | Wife "can we get a scrubber thing on a stick for the shower?" Me "they are quite hard to find, you could say they are a loofah" | Continue a dad joke: |
What do you call it when a police officer pulls over a U-Haul? | Busting a move | Continue a dad joke: |
What’s the best username for an engineer on a dating app? | Single Point of Failure | Continue a dad joke: |
I calmly slid my hand down and I could already feel her getting moist. | I was nervous, but of course it wasn't my first time. I found the hole and slowly inserted my finger. That's when it hit me. I'm gonna need a new boat. | Continue a dad joke: |
What is a dentist's favourite time? | ToofHurty | Continue a dad joke: |
What's the only breakfast a trial witness can eat when on the stand? | Oathmeal. | Continue a dad joke: |
Did you hear about the guy whose nose was upside down on his forehead | He smelled funny. | Continue a dad joke: |
Why did the trail mix give up on life | Because it lost its raisins de etcetera. | Continue a dad joke: |
Fun fact - cavemen didn't live in caves | They actually lived in Unga bungalows | Continue a dad joke: |
In Egypt, they have discovered a mummy covered in chocolate and nuts. | They think it may be Pharaoh Rocher. | Continue a dad joke: |
I got a joke from the future. | But you don't have one. | Continue a dad joke: |
What do you call it when pirates practice ventriloquism with water birds? | Doubloons! | Continue a dad joke: |
Went out to dinner yesterday and I said to the waiter, "Budapest is going to love this" | I named my stomach Budapest 'cause it's the capital of Hungary. | Continue a dad joke: |
Is there a Valhalla for muslim | Must be Valhallah | Continue a dad joke: |
What is it like to get called into work? | You know, same shift different day. | Continue a dad joke: |
I haven't had COVID-19 yet. | I'm avoiding it like the plague. | Continue a dad joke: |
What has four wheels and flies? | A garbage truck! | Continue a dad joke: |
Just paid $200 for a belt that doesn’t fit! | What a huge waist! | Continue a dad joke: |
Why do mechanics like one night stands? | They like to nut and bolt | Continue a dad joke: |
What do you call a deer with no eyes? | No eyedea! | Continue a dad joke: |
They ask Jesus how old are you? | He replies I am almost 20 22 | Continue a dad joke: |
There is a fine line | Between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an idiot. | Continue a dad joke: |
Why do I go through all this trouble? | A teenager had a crush on a girl all throughout highschool, and he finally decides to ask her to the prom, to which she agreed. Two weeks before the prom, he went to rent a tuxedo. When he got to the tuxedo store, the | Continue a dad joke: |
What language do postmen speak? | Parseltongue | Continue a dad joke: |
With great power | Comes a great electricity bill | Continue a dad joke: |
Whenever I meet someone new I always think they really like me | Because I was taught to always assume the best in people. | Continue a dad joke: |
What's a pickle's favorite game show | Dill or No Dill. | Continue a dad joke: |
What did the French-Canadian butler say upon introducing himself? | I am at your Quebec and call. | Continue a dad joke: |
(I was told to post this here!) | What do you call a missing lycanthrope? A where-wolf. | Continue a dad joke: |
What's was everybody's New Years resolution? | Mine was 2560 x 1440 | Continue a dad joke: |
How many sons do my siblings have? | a ne-few | Continue a dad joke: |
Did you hear about the jury in the microwave oven serial killer trial | They voted to convect. | Continue a dad joke: |
What do you call a policeman in his bed? | A undercover cop… 😎 | Continue a dad joke: |
My daughter's skin is all red and bumpy, but I'm not sure how to treat it. | I don't want to make a rash decision. | Continue a dad joke: |
What do a priest and a sailor have in common? | They both use bouys to get their vessel in. | Continue a dad joke: |
What did the blind guy say after his friend bought him an everything bagel | Who doesn't know it's sesame seeds? | Continue a dad joke: |
What kind of clothes do lawyers wear? | Lawsuits | Continue a dad joke: |
Dad: "lol, there's something between your teeth." | "More teeth." | Continue a dad joke: |
Why do the cows clump together in groups on the field | Tis beef huddling. | Continue a dad joke: |
I must be built upside down | My nose runs and my feet smell. | Continue a dad joke: |
Why do they call it Cesar Salad | Because it's got Cesar-ning. | Continue a dad joke: |
I once knew a powerlifter who could bench press 2000 lbs | His name was Preston | Continue a dad joke: |
I walked too close to a balloon today | it was a hair-raising experience | Continue a dad joke: |
How do you get to the Grand Ole Opry? | Practice | Continue a dad joke: |
My wife’s sister brought her new boyfriend over to meet the family at my house. He’s telling us about his family and that his dad is essentially dying of kidney failure. | I was taking the trash out and looked him in the face, summoned my best deadpan expression, and said, "Well, that's a crappy situation." | Continue a dad joke: |
Why do blind people hate sky diving? | It scares the hell out of their dogs. | Continue a dad joke: |
I was just watching football with my wife and daughter, turned to them and said, “Did you hear what’s going to be the biggest trend in fashion this year?” | They both gave me confused looks and I screamed, “The 20 Tutu!!!” | Continue a dad joke: |
My dad passed this one on to me 😁 The friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. | Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought this was unfair. He asked the court to intervene, but the judge said, "Let them sell flowers. The only thing they're guilty of is taking themselves too seriously." | Continue a dad joke: |
We all know what to call a cow that doesn't give milk. | But what do you call a second cow that has also stopped giving milk? Anudder failure. | Continue a dad joke: |
Why is dating at Arby‘s easy? | Because they have the meet | Continue a dad joke: |
What type of dog goes to a mall but doesn’t buy anything | A mall-tease | Continue a dad joke: |
What do you call father times traumatic childhood? | Time sensitive | Continue a dad joke: |
How to catch night robbers | By checking the houses of people who sleep in day time | Continue a dad joke: |
My school friend who I’ve known for 30 years | was so happy last night because he was able to achieve his goal of only eating almonds during 2021 I think that’s just nuts | Continue a dad joke: |
I only smoke French Marijuana | Or rather Oui'd | Continue a dad joke: |
How to find a blind man on a nudist beach | It’s not hard | Continue a dad joke: |
Do you know what turtles do on New Years Eve? | They shellabrate! | Continue a dad joke: |
I love how my head easily supported | It's the neck's best thing. | Continue a dad joke: |
Boy: “Dad, are these big hairy cows gay?” | No, they’re bison. | Continue a dad joke: |
I had the opportunity to play the oboe with the London Philharmonica Orchestra. | I blew it. | Continue a dad joke: |
Where do Ghosts go on vacation | The Boo-hamas. | Continue a dad joke: |
Well, I want going to watch weird porn | but I guess I will, if you incest. | Continue a dad joke: |
Why did the scarecrow win an award? | Because he was outstanding in his field! | Continue a dad joke: |
What do you call White Claw sodas | Alkie-seltzers. | Continue a dad joke: |
What is brown and sticky? | A stick | Continue a dad joke: |
Blind Girl Here. Give Me Your Best Blind Jokes! Do your worst! | I'm not laughing, I'm just smiling because I think I'm missing out on something. | Continue a dad joke: |